She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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