there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
