my being single is dangerous.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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