Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
