hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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