do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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