I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
