Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
