You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
