stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
whose parrot is this?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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