I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize