My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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