is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
