Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
