My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
