Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
