the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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