perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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