I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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