And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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