Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
