Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
