just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
