just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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