you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
