Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
