I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize