i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
