I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so that wasnt chicken after all
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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