I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
