and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
