I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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