he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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