Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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