She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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