that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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