I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
