Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
