first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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