Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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