dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize