woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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