He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
