she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
