why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
