Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
