i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
