I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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