Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
