How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
