she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
