So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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