Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
