A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
