Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
