8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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